"I Understand"

Sometimes, people say "I Understand" a lot to you, when you're going through emotional times. But do they really "understand" where you're coming from? Sometimes I look at people and think, no, you well and truly do  not understand what I'm going through.

At the moment, my life has gone into a steep. Things are becoming worse and worse before they can even attempt to get better. And I'm about to tell you my story... Let's see if you 'understand'.

Okay so yeah, it was a ordinary day, going to school, last day of the week and ready to go home and just relax for the weekend. I had my day planned and I was feeling confident, but as usual, not motivated. I had rehearsal with my Theatre Study teacher. During the first half of the rehearsal everything was going fine and I felt like I had actually been making progress through this rehearsal. Then suddenly I'm sitting there being yelled at. For not ready a script that was essential for part of my exam. I was then rhetorically asked why I even bothered to choose this subject if I put no effort into the lessons. Then I just thought, you know what, he's right, why did I choose this subject?

Later that day I came home, still depressed and oppressed.

That night, the house was empty and I was there, on my own. I got my iPad out and started recording myself talking about my day, to try and get it off my chest. Making YouTube videos is seen as an escape for me. I feel like I can talk to people and they will listen (my audience anyway). Then I just gave up creating the video. Sat in my bedroom and then burst into tears. Let's not lie, I was feeling very emotional at this point. I didn't know what to do, I was so confused. This is when I realised how depressed I actually was. During Sunday, I paced up and down my house worrying what Monday would bring, and I know for a fact this is not what someone should have to go through. So I decided to go in on Monday, or Tuesday (today). And made a massive decision to drop out of sixth form altogether, because after looking at my results, I can see that I'm failing. I have no hope of getting those grades better, and I know this. I'm sick to death with getting earfuls of pressure, it's just too much for me. So tomorrow, I'm going to see my head of sixth form, to sign some papers and reject any offers he makes to me to try and get me to stay in sixth form. But once I make a decision, it's hard to change my mind.

Now I'm getting people say how I'm a failure and that I give up too easily. Well, not really. I've already applied for college, awaiting an interview, to study BTEC Media. It's the only thing that I can do academically. But really, my main dream and aspirations is to become a musician, so I'm trying to see this as a safeguard.

I know, some people may have had it worse than me. Much worse.

But from that one teacher who gave me hell, I feel like it's actually opened my eyes, and how I don't actually want to do sixth form. I've been at that school for almost 6 years, I can't keep seeing it over and over and over. It gets boring. Nothing is new. It feels like my life is in a cycle.

The moral? From one bad experience, comes a good opportunity.

- Steven

Much love.